During
a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off
to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal
ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just
be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death
this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's
lined face, then at the single flickering
candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had
to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
It's just a matter of time.....…
Ashley walked into the White House for her first
day of her internship and was greeted by the
President. After a short tour of the White House
the President asked "How would you like to see
the Presidential Clock?"
Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know
Mr. President, I have heard some pretty bad
things about you. I don't think that would be a
good idea."
"Nonsense" said the President. "It's just a
clock."
Ashley agreed and the President led her into the
Oval Office where they were alone. He closed the
door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out.
Ashley gasped. "Oh that's not the Presidential
Clock, that's the Presidential Cock!"
To which the President responded:"Ashley honey,
once you put a face and two hands on it, it's a
clock!"
Clinton is looking out of the window and he
notices that someone has urinated the message,
"BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House.
Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and
handwriting samples from every member of the
White House staff and find the culprit
immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr.
President, I have good news and bad news," he
says.
"The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob
Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands.
After a slight pause, the director replies,
"Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest
scandal was walking through Washington looking
for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the
Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George,
you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and
behold, a voice comes down from above and says,
"ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton,
amazed that he is talking to the past President
thinks he'll try it again.
He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and
utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had
these kind of problems, what can I do to rally
people behind me?" Again a voice from above
answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT,
START OVER."
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is
planning to go to all the historic sites for
guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial.
"Abe, I need your help, people are losing
confidence in me and they no longer trust me
what should I do?"
After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE
THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."
Bill Clinton goes to Oz. When he gets to see the
Wizard, the Wizard says "I've already given the
Scarecrow a brain, the Tin Woodsman a heart, and
the Cowardly Lion courage. I'm sorry, but I
don't have anything left for you."
Bill says "How about Dorothy?"
Monica Lewinsky stops by the Oval office and
sees Bill staring out the window looking very
glum. "What's up?" she says.
"It's these dammed budget cuts Congress is
forcing on me. I've even got to cut the White
House staff. I'm going to have to let my chef
go. He's been with me since I was in Arkansas,
he loves his job here, I just don't know how I'm
going to tell him".
"Well", says Monica, "is there anything I can
do?"
"Actually yes..." says Bill
"You could sack my cook."
A news release from the Center for Disease
Control in Atlanta: The President confirms that
you can get sex from aides.
There's a new computer on the market. It called
the Slick Willie. It has glitzy graphics,
incredible sound, a six-inch hard drive, and no
memory.
Bill
and Hillary are making a trip to the country
side. Suddenly they run out of fuel and so they
stop at a gasoline station.
When Hillary sees the owner of the station she
gets out of the car, runs to the man, gives him
a hug and kisses him.
When they continue their journey, Bill asks:
"Who was that guy ?". and Hillary answers, that
this was a boy she used to date while she was in
high school.
Bill starts to smile and says: "Well, you must
be really lucky that you married me and not him,
otherwise you would be now the wife of a
gasoline station owner!".
Suddenly, Hillary starts to smile and she
replies: "No my dear, you are lucky,. If I would
have married him, he would be now the president
of the United States."
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up.
When she was finished, she asked her
gynecologist how things looked. He said he was
pleased and that she was in great shape but that
she was pregnant!
She told the doctor that was impossible, but he
said that she most definitely was a month
pregnant.
She stormed out of the office, went to the
reception and took the phone and called the
White House. When the operator answered she said
wanted to talk to Bill right away. They rang the
Oval Office and Bill answered. Hillary said: "Do
you know what you did you rotten bastard? You
got me pregnant!!!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
Three boys were out one morning and they saw
Clinton about to be hit by a runaway car.
The tackled him out of the way and saved his
life. He was so grateful that he promised them
anything they wanted. The first wanted a new red
bike.
The second wanted an assignment to The Naval
Academy.
When the third said he wanted to be buried in
Arlington National Cemetery,
Clinton asked him if he were not just a little
young to be thinking about dying.
He replied, "No sir. When my daddy finds out
that I saved your life he is gonna kill me."
Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and
due to an administrative foul up, Clinton gets
sent to heaven & the Pope gets sent to hell. The
Pope explains the situation to the hell
administration, they check their paperwork, and
the error is acknowledged. They explain,
however, that it will take 24 hours to make the
switch.
On the next day, the Pope is called in and the
hell administration bids him farewell and he
heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets
Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
The Pope says sorry about the mix up and Clinton
says "no problem".
"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven"
says the Pope. 'Why's that?" asks Clinton. "All
my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
says the Pope. At that Clinton replies "I'm
afraid you're a day late..."
Bill was recently overheard complimenting
Monica's appearance.
--"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum
across!"
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little
buttercup"
--His nickname for Monica? "My little suction
cup"
White House staffers were perplexed one morning
to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office
with a pair of woman's panties on his arm.
Somewhat used to the president's tendencies,
they let it go and went about their daily tasks.
The day wore on, and several VIPs were ushered
in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with
Clinton about important affairs of the state.
Each one left with a puzzled expression on their
face but no one dared ask the President's
personal business. Finally, Betty Currie,
Clinton's loyal secretary, walked into the
office between appointments and gently closed
the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said.
"We've come to expect many unusual things from
you, but we're all quite concerned that you seem
to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your
arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more
trouble." "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's
The Patch. I'm trying to quit."
