Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the
Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in
the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the
computer disk drives that contain the nation's
nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during
lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I
know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing
"the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To
confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students
from Libya, North Korea, and mainland China will
no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday,
they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel
tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . .
. . " The stickers will be available at the
front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific
calculations will no longer be hyper linked via
the Internet to such Web sites as
www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or
www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites
will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of
Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted
to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced physics formulas on the men's room
walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your
briefcases and laptop computers at the front
counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the
front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep
un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to
take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium,
or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you
parents who are helping the kids with their
science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be
checked out for "recreational use." We've not
yet decided if exceptions will be made for
Halloween, the Fourth of July, or New Year's
Eve. We'll keep you posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA
batteries from the burglar alarm system to power
their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each
day, all employees must enter through the front
door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door
to avoid clocking in late.
I know this crackdown might seem punitive and
oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn
duty to protect the valuable national secrets
that have been entrusted to our care. Remember:
Security isn't a part-time job-it's an
imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
