Every Chad
Down in Chad-ville
Liked voting a lot ...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Chad-ville
Did NOT!
The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could
be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so
shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never
mattered.
BUT
Whatever the reason,
Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to
the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated the
Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their
football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at
Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their
hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground
state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled
with a sneer.
"This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically
here!
"They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a
bum,
" 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb."
Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from
coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew ...
All the flag-waving souls,
Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or
Doles.
And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls!
Polls! Polls! Polls!
That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS!
POLLS! POLLS!
So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or
boat,
They would vote! And they'd vote!
And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your
throat.
They would even vote laws in for curbing your
goat.
And THEN ...
They'd sing that anthem. It always came later.
Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph
Nader.
They'd stand close together, and though still
full of fight,
They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's
early light.
And the more the Grinch thought of Election
Day's ring,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this
whole thing!
"Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it
now!
"I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!
"... But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
Yes, a legal idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed
with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig.
And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,
"With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm
an anchor!"
"All I need are some ballots ..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were none
to be found.
So he made his own ballot, printing letters
quite little,
And he scattered the names, running holes down
the middle,
And he stuck it together with Chad-berry
spittle.
And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure
this riddle!"
THEN
He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous
Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News
Service."
THEN
The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called
"Palm Beach."
When he came to the first polling place in the
square,
All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk
filled the air,
As the Chads chatted merits of managed health
care.
"Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a
grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and
stepped in.
There he left all his ballots, the strange ones
with punches,
And instructions that said, "Please punch
punches in bunches."
As he slunk out the door toward the nearest
Grand Hyatt,
He could hear what you'd think was an Elián
riot.
The Cohensâ?"sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,
Just realized that their votes had all gone to
Buchanan!
At a place in Dade County near a middle-school
yard,
The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling
Place Guard."
And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is
your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?
"Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"
And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a
fox,
Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the
lockbox!
Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on
TV.
He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh
three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a
score:
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for
GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME
MORE!"
So he pulled more projections straight out of
his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take
it all back!"
So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to
all
Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO
CALL."
"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a
scandal,
"It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the
Panhandle.
"The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and
dimpled.
And the stress of it all put George Bush among
the pimpled!
Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's
final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."
After all, George was leading at least by a
dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your
cousin.)
"Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing
the praises,
" 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all
getting raises!"
And then the Grinch yawned, "This election
stuff's hokey,
Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you,
Cokie."
And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy
pad.
But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad
Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his
dad).
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's
our leader?
"Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek
Jeter?"
And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't
be sweeter.
They were finding out now that no outcome was
coming!
They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and
dumbing.
"They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what
they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry,
'WE'LL SUE!' "
As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch
popped his eyes,
But the scene that he saw brought a shocking
surprise.
All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads and
Chad dads,
They were counting the votes, they were counting
the chads!
He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming.
IT CAME!
SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!
As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the
sand
Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them
by hand?"
Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the
lawyers,
It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill
Moyers.
When the ballots were plucked and the counting
was done
The last margin of victory turned out to be ...
ONE!
And if the Grinch had just voted,
... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON!
And what happened then ...
Well ...
In Chad-ville they say
That the Grinch's small district
Grew three sizes that day.
'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its
slump,
The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running this
dump!"
So he formed a committee to do all the work
And he ...
HE HIMSELF!
The Grinch ran for town clerk!
