THE STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON WANTED TO
GIVE.
"Members of Congress...people of America…. I
banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying
attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't
tried to do are the a First Lady, Reno,
Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a
little older than I like and they have legs that
former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate
Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water
coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas
into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd
be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the
draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in
the White House, fired the travel staff, paid
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom
like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or
child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody
Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other
choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and
part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his
way into the White House. Before him, it was
Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a
17% prime interest a rate, smiling the whole
time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really
understood, the concept of 'plausible
deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to
San Clemente for his crackerjack style of
governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war
criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who
was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by
at least a dozen former residents of the White
House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at
the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time
since JFK did a one-gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind
felon can get a job as a night watchman. The
stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dummy dust, and anyone with a
degree from a junior college who can spell
'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where
his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm
doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking
for is your support, not a date with your
daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with
thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In
the meantime, think about where you are today
and what kind of life you're living before you
get too interested in where I'm parking the
Presidential limousine.
